Academia: the Last Refuge of the Coward

First of all, I give myself like three more years before I get arrested for doing something completely reprehensible to or with a student. Knowing me, it'll probably be some form of sexual harassment, but I can also totally see the possibility of me bribing my students to become my hired goons.

With that in mind, let me share with you another one of my personal Great Moments in Teaching.

Student comes in to see me to discuss student's paper. I like Student, and friendly chatter ensues. I am aware of the fact that all of my students are, at this point, doubly burdened: they are attempting to finish a novel and simultaneously produce working final drafts of their text-analysis essays. So I casually ask Student how Student is coming along on the reading portion of the week's work.

"Oh, I finished the novel this morning," says Student.

My black little heart is warmed by this revelation, and I congratulate Student, adding, "Isn't the ending of that novel depressing? I mean, every time I read it, I'm so emotionally worn out that I feel like I've been beaten. By the time you're done, don't you just want to kill yourself?"

Student laughs a little, agreeing that the novel is indeed not a happy one, and the two of us proceed to the matter of Student's paper. About two minutes later, I have a horrible realization.

Wait a minute, my dim reptilian brain kicks in as it slowly begins to process all relevant information. Student is the student who was out of class for a few weeks because of severe depression.

Fortunately, Student did not commit suicide as a result of our conversation, although one of my officemates that it really wouldn't have been a problem if that had happened.

"It's just good pedagogy," he said. "You're just trying to keep class size down."

Indeed.